Whether you’re a professor or a performer, you’ve just found yourself next on the chopping block of cancel culture. Don’t be ashamed, you probably didn’t commit a mortal sin. Either you somehow made it onto the Clintons’ hit list or someone woke up and decided that what they laughed at yesterday offends them today.
Getting canceled is like declaring bankruptcy, in that you are reduced to nothing. But with bankruptcy, you at least have the opportunity to resurrect your credit score.
What’s expected of you now is to issue a public apology for saying whatever distressed those woke curs. You’ll want to do this to save face, in the off chance you’re the One to resume their career after being canceled.
There’s not much to writing an apology; they all look alike. Your scorned lovers so flippantly rejected you after years of support, nothing you say will restore you to their good graces anyway. So, to save you time so you can begin your sudden retirement, I’ve prepared the following template.
I am sorry I said [insert your offense as specifically as possible to allow for retraumatization]. I believed it was okay but I was recently informed that words, like sticks and stones, break bones.
It was not my intention to offend anyone, specifically the [insert whatever minority group seems apropos, even if your abhorrent quip was about cutlery]. Their history of oppression, be it days long (as is the case with any recently invented gender) or centuries, demands at least a sixfold reversed oppression against the majority. I was not the advocate I should have known to have been.
I am thankful to now be on the right side of history. I am willing and eager to learn. Thank you for your support and respect for my privacy as I take time off and continue my education.
You could add some statement about entering sensitivity training, but I recommend not bothering with further schooling. Not even a certificate from one of Robin Diangelo’s diversity classes would restore your canceled career.
From here, I’d recommend you find a new hobby or start a new life in the Witness Protection Program.
A previous version of this article appeared on Glossy News Satire. It was rewritten with the help of Doppelganger Satire in hope of being read by a larger audience but ultimately went unpublished on the second website.